To most people I've talked to today, most of them had the perception that to even consider retaining in year 1 when you've jolly well got promoted to year 2 in jc is utterly ridiculous. But would it still be deemed as ridiculous if you know for a fact for your ownself that you're simply just not ready to face the As and that you are basically struggling each and every day to actually understand what was being taught for the day? And its bloody hell frustrating to be falling sick almost every week and that to actually sit down and concentrate is pretty much a taxing job on your burning brain.

Most of the people I've talked to today really gave me some constructive feedback on what they think of my sudden rush of thoughts. Most of them are really comforting, saying that I'll pull through somehow and that I'm "smart" enough to sit through the As this year without retaining. It's comforting, really, it sort of gave me a rush of overwhelming confidence because they had so much faith in me. Although at some part of their speech, I feel like screaming out, you don't know what it's actually like!, but then again, do they? Sometimes it's nice to know that there are other people who can see the potential in me that I can't see it for myself. But then again, aren't you always the one who knows yourself the best?
I was actually convinced at what Cikgu Rabiah told me just now. That I still have the time to catch up, that it's still not too late and that she have so much confidence in me that I'll be able to make it in the end. I really do appreciate her to layan me for that 10mins when she have to see through the GPA performance. Heh, really, she comforted me. Sigh.
And then there's Kai, who kept reminding me that nothing is impossible and that once again, telling me that I can make it if I work hard now. Yes, I NEED TO WORK HARD STARTING NOW and I CAN'T USE THE BLOODY EXCUSE OF FALLING SICK ALL THE TIME. That mindset is already etched in my brain but my brain just can't seem to tell the rest of my body to actually sit and study my ass off, which I badly need to do so.
And then there's others who think I'm being dumb by wanting to retain when I was qualified to carry on to j2. But my results last year was too shaky for me to be here. The school may not think so, but I know how I'm progressing.

It is, without a doubt, that my parents will ever give second thoughts about their daughter retaining. Like, what do they know about jc curriculum in the first place anyway? They'll always have this readymade pre-assumption that I've been playing all along and has never been taking studies seriously. That's ALL they can think of, really. So I can stop hoping that they'll be understanding in this matter.

So that's basically all about it then? Parents say no (for the umpteenth time in my whole bloody years of existance) and I'm in no position to rebut or clarify and justify myself (or it'll be viewed as blatant defiance). Then I'm left with no choice but be a lifeless human with nothing but only studying/mugging in her 24/7 agenda. That is soooo tempting, isn't it? I sooo can't wait to embark on that kind of life.

Hanan, thank you for that almost-2-hours heart-to-heart talk. I badly needed it =) And like you said, it is really relieving to have that comfy fuzzy feeling after so long of bottling up the bullshit in us =) Thank you sooo much once again babe. We'll have more of that soon yea yea yea? *hugsyoutight*
oh and let's keep that conversation only between us two yea..=)

So all that's left for me to do now is...start. And I mean intensive. Oh you don't wanna know how my intensive is gonna be like =)

Labels: word diarrhoea