It has been quite a while since I did a heart-pouring-out entry here. But right now, as I'm just waiting for the couple of hours to pass before I'll physically leave, maybe it might do me some good to let out a few of the things that I've kept bottled up a long time ago.

I realised that the one thing that I might actually be good at doing would be running away. Running away, pushing thoughts back right at the end of my head, pretending nothing happened...they're just about the only comfort that I could seek solace in. I've never tried totally baring my heart out by just talking to someone about my troubles because there are simply things that I couldn't bring myself to say. It's just not in my nature to share - especially my worries and my uncertainties. Maybe those trivial matters that I just need to talk about for the sake of talking would be okay, but those matters that really leave an impact in me, leaving that scar that is impossible to heal...I choose to just shut up about it.
Not even the people whom I trust the most would hear me talking about those kinds of things.

And it doesn't help that right now, I'm having trust issues.

Someone, just this particular someone, has been trying and trying so hard to gain that intangible thing called trust from me. He's been proving to me so much, but I still have my reservations. He's wonderful, don't get me wrong. He's probably the most wonderful person that God has allowed to cross my path with. But, I'd always have a 'but' for every single damn thing, and I'm getting tired of it. The last time that I did not have a 'but' to it, it went horribly wrong. I got hurt in the most unimaginable way possible by letting my guard down. By trusting that one person completely. By being vulnerable and heavily dependent on that one person. I'm not putting the blame on that person because I'm done shifting the blame onto others when it's me whom I should be blaming. And because of that, simply because of that, I don't let anyone get close to me anymore. I dare not open up to anyone anymore. I don't trust anyone anymore.
And apparently, it has gotten so bad, up to the point where I don't even trust myself anymore. I begin to lie to myself more but I never believe me.

That's something too twisted to fathom, no?

There's this nagging and continuous stab in my heart that I can't seem to figure out what was causing it. I tried pinpointing a few things but it couldn't justify this immense ache everytime I think about how everything could and should be...with him.
Haha, that's just it, no? I figured it out without intending to do so.
I've always thought that he would be able to make everything alright with his mere presence but who was I to kid? Maybe, just maybe, he could do that but it's always me who ends up screwing it all up. I used to think that by having him back in my life, playing the role that he had been doing for the past three years or so, would end this kind of misery so cruel, that I could barely breathe, that I'm living with right now. But it's just not fair. I know I'm being selfish like that because right now, I can't even differentiate between love, and the want to possess.
It hurts like that, but what can I possibly do? It was magical, it was beautiful while it lasted but nothing is ever forever in this world, no? When it all gets wrong and awry, was all the perfection that I see, a mere illusion that I created for myself? Did I just imagine it all happen when it didn't at all?
I'll never know what God is up to because He always have His own mysterious little ways of moulding our lives. I admit, I was angry with Him (astaghfirullahalazim) because He put me through all these sufferings difficulties (sufferings is just too strong a word to use) despite me begging and pleading Him to release me from it all. But then again, since when did God ever want any of us to suffer? Maybe, just maybe, it's His ways of making me learn to appreciate of what I have, to appreciate the forgiveness to my infinite amount of sins that He bestowed upon me. This punishment through the ordeals that He has put me through thus far, is probably the most lenient of punishment that I could get. Only He knows what an unforgivable sinner I've been. Sigh.
Whatever it is, I am leaving everything entirely in His hands, and pray that maybe someday...I'll manage to find myself...happy. Right now, I know I have to let go. Eventually. It may take quite some time but I'm hoping that He would help me in healing faster. Reminiscing about the past isn't going to bring it all back. I should, instead, pray for my future with a lot less uncertainty in it.

Mr Who-gave-me-an-elephant-blankie-with-my-manja-name-ironed-on-it, only God knows how thankful I am for you being around when I least expected anyone to be there for me at all. I know what I've done for you is nothing as compared to what you've done for me throughout all these years...but for now, all I could say is thank you :) Don't worry, because of that elephant blankie, I'd come back.

Mat Dangdut...you're amazing. If there's ever anyone else who could come close to bringing my guard down, it would be You :)

NadSyidHanan - you girls are undoubtedly the best. Yeaha, when put together, you girls provide me with all things girly and frivolous - just to remind me that I am still a girl (lol). But individually, I have found a confidante, an angel, a sister, in each one of you :) Hanan, no worries k. Insya'Allah I'll come back especially for you so that we can be roomies and drive each other up the wall. Hehe. Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayang korang semua :))

Yup, it's almost time for me to go now.
In a way, I'm sort of running away from everything for a short moment. Whether or not I'm coming back...I'm just praying to Allah to help me make the right decision...
Oh and, by the way, I'm not bringing my handphone along with me. Haha, that's the whole point of running away, right, leaving absolutely everything behind? Lol.

Labels: word diarrhoea