Well I guess this is it. I've finally mustered enough strength or courage or whatever you call it to pull myself away from Yan. It's not his fault in this matter because I've only got myself to blame. The last time I checked, I'm only human. And apparently I'm not...unhuman enough to not let myself fall for him when he specifically told me not to. He told me, he warned me even, to not develop any feelings for him because he's not ready to commit to another - not while he's still wounded from whatever that's happened to him. But how do you expect me to not fall for him when he's doing all he can, whether intentionally or not I wouldn't know, to make me nothing but to fall for him? Come on, Yanyan at 2 in the morning? Spending the whole night out with me? Sending me off at the airport? Giving me small hugs whenever we say goodbye? Calling me every single night while at camp just to say good night? Bites on the shoulders, on the arms, whatever not? That is not something that you'd do with or for a friend, yes? Honestly, I don't want a relationship. That's not what I want from him. But why do all these things if you don't want the same thing too? And why must all that you do contradict what you say? A few months ago, you told me to wait for you and not let whatever feelings that I may have for you go so soon. Is that still applicable in this situation? You told me, that I'm more than just a friend to you. So, what am I? Don't complicate things when they were simple enough to begin with. I'm willing, more than willing, to be just a friend to you. So please don't go around blurring that fine line which was never that clear to start with. It's my fault that I couldn't control my human emotions around you, that I end up having feelings for you. I have to disappear for awhile - to sort out my thinking...and my feelings. Maybe while I'm away from you, I can let these feelings or whathaveyou disappear along with my presence so as to uncomplicate things a little. I can't stand being around you and have these feelings all mushed up, it's a little cruel. While I disappear, maybe I can find that part of me where you're just a friend and nothing more, nothing less. Just a friend. Like how you want it to be. I don't like being all confused when I was fine in the first place. If your intention of sticking around this time is to redeem your guilt and to apologize for what you did last time, please don't. I've already forgiven you the moment you decided to go so there isn't any need to apologize for anything anymore. And if you're feeling guilty or regretful, please just stop. That is simply unneccesary. I just want you to be a friend to me - so please treat me like a friend, if you have any respect for me as your friend.

Labels: Yan