My heart skipped for the umpteenth time that Friday night when I saw a glimpse of a green shirt with a frowned facial expression, trying to find his way through with unsure steps to the supposed meeting place. And then he looked up, broke into a small smile, and I wasn't sure if my heart was beating faster or slower..or was it faster and slower at the same time? It's amazing how by merely seeing that curve playing on his lips can do that to me despite having seeing it over and over again for the past 3 years or so.
And then he plopped into a seat diagonally opposite mine, I was still lost in that smile. Breathlessly, he said hi with that sheepish smile while looking directly into my eyes. I'm not sure but I might have been holding my breath because I forgot to breathe when I was so caught up in his every movement, every word that came out from his mouth, how deeply smooth yet a bit hoarse of a voice that never fail to make me tingle with such an unfathomable warm feeling...
I tried paying attention to what he's exactly saying to be able to actually respond when he's asking a question or simply ensued in some light-hearted conversation. I didn't know to be able to talk back was such a difficult task, what more to breathe, to look back into his eyes...and before I knew it, he was technically burying his head onto my outstretched hands. If only his smile had already make me tingle with warmth, what more when he adorably did that? And before I could recover from his sudden move of, erhem, affection, he leaned in and playfully gave a loud kiss on my cheeks, like as though he's kissing a baby kind of kiss.
I swear, he's the only one person in this entire face of the universe who can make me blush, who can make me sublimate, melt, freeze back, whatever, all at once, and I never want to return back to my original state. I just love the sudden rush mixture of feelings he makes me experience with the slightest touch of his fingertips.
Still in a daze, I found us walking hand in hand, fingers entwined, walking slowly and playfully out of downtown east. We were pretty aimless, like how we always were, and I like things that way. We'd be walking around, with no specific place in mind to go, and end up at some random spot depending on where our feets took us to. Somehow, just somehow, the time spent at whatever place we're at turns out to be just as wonderful. Everything in our surrounding turns beautiful, even the slightest things. I came to this ultimate conclusion that, it's simply because, he's with me.
And then before I knew it, we were sitting down comfortably, cozily, while facing the fishing pond which was shimmering against the lampost lights, slightly rippling because of the fishes underneath contemplating on whether or not to bite the bait that the fishermen held hopeful. I could feel the warmth of his body sitting so closely next to mine. Like as though they have a life of their own, my hands automatically reached out for his which were lazily placed on his lap, and wrapped themselves around his arms. In response, he ran his hands up and down my arms, instantly warming me up from the cold air surrounding. Subconsciously, I felt my head tilting to the left and it immediately found a perfect spot on his right shoulder.
With our fingers clasped around each other's, feeling his body warmth against my cheek, all sorts of discombobulated knots of anxiety in me began untying themselves and slowly faded away into oblivion. Faintly, but surely, I could hear his steady heartbeat reverberating through my ears. When I got up from his shoulders, I was face to face with him, our noses only a few centimeters apart. I could feel his warm breath against my face, and that familiar and assuring smell of him which caused my lips to curve upwards, looking at him. And then there were his eyes, slightly blocked by his glasses, staring back into my gaze...
I leaned in closer to his face, our foreheads touching now. I closed my eyes, savouring each and every moment of this closeness. I remembered him saying something to me, almost like a whisper, probably asking me something. I vaguely recalled agreeing into something, willingly, with no hesitation whatsoever. My eyes fluttered momentarily, and I saw him tilting his head slightly, moving in closer. My heart was pounding, half anticipating of what's to happen, half expecting of what's going to happen. I squeezed my eyes shut...and all that I could feel moments after that was this electrifying sensation buzzing through my veins coming from my lips. It was so soft, in both its texture and its way of coming. It lasted only for a few seconds but it was lingering. My mind kept re-enacting the scene over and over again, how he gently move in closer to my lips, how he gradually place his soft and moist lips onto mine, applied a negligible amount of pressure...before I actually realised that he was kissing me.
Although it was brief, it was overwhelming. I felt dizzy from all the surge of emotions running through my veins. It was addictive, I was craving for more. I wanted to feel what that almost felt like heaven. Shamelessly, not caring for anything in the world, I murmured for a longer kiss. Part of me feared rejection, part of me expected rejection, part of me was ready for rejection. But....
Confirming to my request, he began looking around like he always does. That made me think, for the trillionth time, of how adorable he is whilst doing that. Smirking, he was probably happy with what he found. His smirk eventually disappeared when he started coming in closer once more...and my world began revolving around him, my senses shut down one by one but came alive at the same time...all I could see, feel, touch, was only him. All I could think of was his kiss. All that I had in my mind was solely about him. All the thoughts I could hold in my mind was Kailani. Mohammad Kailani.
I was subconscious yet aware of everything that is happening around me. I was in a state of euphoria each time our lips met. Playfully, cheekily, mischievously. Each and every time our lips made contact, I melt, I could feel my spine tingling, I was struggling from the electric currents in my veins. I love the way how he transformed something so passionate into something with a touch of whim and light-heartedness. He let me experience what it is to be like to be among the stars, to be among the clouds, so free and liberating, like a fresh breath of air.
From that short impromptu meet-up which he magnanimously agreed to despite being tired from a long day in school, I get to know myself, I get a feel of being happy, I was happy, I was euphoric, I found out I was in love, I fell in love, I am madly in love, I miss him even more than ever...ultimately, I love him even more than what my heart could love.

Sometimes, "I love you" doesn't do justice in me trying to express what I'm actually feeling for him. Sometimes, I feel that I'm lying when I say those three words to him. Because it's more than love that I'm feeling for him. I'm way past beyond being in love with Mohammad Kailani.

Labels: Kai