At first, it was pretty damn hard to even go near you, much less scroll down my contacts list and deliberate and contemplate so many bloody times on whether or not to text you a hello. At first, seeing you being so close with other girls, seeing you being so comfortable with other people, gave me that pang of ice cold jealousy that ate me from within until I had to turn away lest I end up hurling in anger.

It was that bad.

But, I really do have to agree with this cliched quote - Time heals all wounds. It really does. It took me time, a very long time indeed, to overcome this state of denial that I was in. I guess right now, it didn't matter how long it took because at the end of the day, I've always wanted you in my life, no matter what role you're playing. And now, you finally are, and playing not too bad a role in my life (:

It's getting kind of irksome, you know, our friends (his friends, mostly) are pining hopes for us to get back together. It would never happen, really. It's just one of my personal principles to never ever get back together with my ex-es, no matter how good a term we are on. That part doesn't matter. Sure, we can hang out, sure we can hang on the phone from hours till end, but that won't change the fact that we were once together and parted, and are now good friends. It'll just stop there.

And no, it's not weird or awkward to be friends again. In fact, it's much easier to be friends. We know each other inside out, that comfort level is there, that mutual understanding is there. He gets me, I get him - that's how we roll. I admit, it was hard initially. But after tonight, I'd almost forgotten how easy and how natural it is to be with him around. We hung out at the beach, and that was the place where we used to meet for our dates all the freaking time. It was much better this time round than the last (:

"Eheyyyy I remember this plaaaace..."

Haaaaah, that was just perfect, you know?

I can safely say I don't have anymore feelings for him at all. But one thing for sure, I do care about him. A lot. And I'm only human to feel slightly jealous whenever he begins talking about other girls whom he had some interest in. When he said that he can't find it in him to ever love another girl like how he loved me back then...that made me smile a little inside. Hey, I'm just a girl after all, yes? (: Because whatever he said, holds true for me too. I doubt I can ever love anyone else like how I loved him.

So we finally had our happy ending after all (:

Haha ini modern punya happy ending hor. Happy endings doesn't necessarily end with the hero and heroine being blissfully in love together. I like my happy ending just this way (:

Labels: Kai

You're becoming so careful with your words, so thoughtful with everything that you say to me now. It's nice to know that but why the act of cautiousness? Like I said, disappearing acts is my forte, but with you, all of that seemed dysfunctional. And it was you who disappeared the last time, so why is there a need for all these sweet gestures? I know you'll stick around this time, babe, I know (: So will I.

You, on the other hand, are finally becoming that promised best friend you'd be to me, albeit a year and a half late. But still, I'm glad we're on this page right now, finally, at last, letting bygones really be bygones (: I can safely say that I love you, not in the sense that either of us intended when we first started.

My Sunday had never been so awesome.

Labels: Kai, rambles, Yan

Oh how foolish we were at fifteen, you carved your name on my heart; so deep it still bleeds your name. We thought we could live in our own world forever, just you and I, making magic. But, how we thought wrong. The heaps of memories we shared, they are too beautiful for words to describe. I thank you for everything, for every single little thing. For being there, at my beck and call. For keeping me happy. For teaching me how to love. For accepting my flaws. Most importantly, for being who you are. For you, you cannot love me better than you already did. To say goodbye & walk away from you, was the hardest thing I'd to do nineteen years of my life but it was crucial. If I could, I never want to let go. I want to hang on forever, hang on to all the doubts, hang on even if great impediments await us at the end of the line. Unfortunately, it's just something I have to do & I love you enough to let you go. A chapter has to end before a new one begins. The bookmarks all taken out, all dog ears folded open. No more, no more of such mess and uncertainty. What's unmistakable now, we both know, it was a happy ending to our now closed chapter.

Labels: Kai, random shit

Last night was terrible. After dozing off while trying to text Ducky, I woke up at about 3.15AM because of a phonecall. A really, really, really disturbing phonecall. But as disturbing as it was, I still couldn't bring myself to just hang up and leave it there and then. It was frustrating, trying to choose between extreme ends. But of course, I decided to pick the other end, and I'm not sure how that turned out still.

Sigh. Even after 3 years I am still weak like that.

I'm just an empty hollow shell for now.

Labels: Kai

Kel can be a very good diary. Not only do I have to spend a lot of time writing and causing blisters on my fingers (i actually enjoy this part of writing manually, actually), this diary can talk back and give kickass advices, which is part of the deal of being a human diary anyway. Hurhur.

I have yet to come up with a definite reason as to why I'm feeling all vulnerable and susceptible to being so affected at the mention of you-know-who. It's annoying c0s I have no idea what I want. I refuse to acknowledge the fact that I still care for him, and worse still, I still do love him unconditionally. But at the same time, I don't want him to know any of that and it's not like as though I want him back in my life like how he used to be. I really don't want him around in my life like that.

You tell me what kind of bullshit is that la kan?

Ahwell. It's technically his birthday already right now.

And I've gotten him this...metal Fender guitar pick which I got online cos apparently, it's not available in Singapore. And also a notebook with a pen, well, for obvious reasons, for him to pen his thoughts in because I know he's not the type to open up so easily to anyone about anything that's affecting him in many ways. Even if he does, it's not exactly the whole story. He told me once about how he was writing so furiously till he broke down about this one particular incident which I shall not rake up now. If writing for him helps, then I hope this notebook and pen will.

But I don't have the guts to give these things to him.

Happy twentieth birthday, Kai. I really do wish for all the happiness in the world for you, no matter what form of that happiness may be, because if I manage to know somehow that you are, I will be too (:
I don't know how long am I gonna remain being in love with you because I have this funny feeling that it won't be stopping anytime soon. But if God answered my prayers to let you meet with someone who's gonna make you happy and is every bit worthy of you, then that's what's gonna make me happy too, even if it will hurt in places I never knew existed.
Happy birthday again, and have an awesome one with your loved ones (:

Love with all my heart,
Aishah

Labels: birthday wishes, Kai, wishful thought

Kai came? At my void deck's playground? He was here?

I swear I must be dreaming.

Haha and my oh my, tonight happened to be the exact date of us calling it off. Coincidence much?

Labels: Kai

Hahahahahahahahahahaha okay bedek. Sumpah bedek. Aku sumpah mintak kene sepak.

I know for a fact that if I were to reread this post a month from now, I'd be kicking myself in the head with a steel-toed shoe. Heck, I think if I were to read this 24 hours from now, my face would be burning in shame for even harbouring the thought. But then again, I need to get it out of my system. Fast. So no matter what hazardous thing (and most prolly suicidal) I would inflict upon myself later.......I'll just worry about that later when it comes.

Going to the beach sitting at our usual spot while reading the diary which I especially kept just for about him was really asking for it. And it doesn't help that everything else that was there just now reminded me of us. It got me thinking that we were actually great together. Fights and screaming matches and all. I realised then, that was what kept us going -- until it was too much to bear. Most of the unbearable parts coming from yours truly. No, this isn't going to be about blaming who and how the relationship ended, it's just about...being vindicated. Once and for all, perhaps.
It's going to be a year soon though it felt like it just happened weeks ago. It's going to be a year soon and even with all those guys whom I dated within that span of one year, still didn't help it getting over us totally. Yes, it's us whom I'm not over about. Him, however, I'm doing a great progress and it's almost complete. I know you guys are getting bored to tears reading this episode over and over again but until I'm really sure where I'm standing at, I don't think I'll ever be relieved of anything just yet. I'm sorry you guys had to witness this...progression of me trying to convince myself out of living in denial.

Sigh.
It's not everyday that we can find someone who's perfect for you, right? And it's not such an easy feat for me to even be convinced that I actually found someone perfect judging from what a bitch of an indecisive person I can be. Eventually, eventually, eventually - this event is taking quite sometime to come and surprisingly, I'm in no rush for it to finally come.

I bumped into him the other day and there wasn't any rush of emotions that I anticipated coming. We had a pleasant chat, even. We'd gone from being madly in love with each other to attempting to be normal friends to being hostile and barbaric and now, finally, to being...civilised with one another. And I couldn't ask for more because, it takes a lot for the both of us to swallow whatever pride and (bruised) ego that we have to just...be nice. There wasn't a hint of spite or sarcasm throughout that whole 15minutes of us talking. That was quite an achievement, really. Ahwell. I guess there really is some form of humanity left in me after all, you know, being able to forgive and forget sincerely coming straight from the heart. Heh. Mind you, I was totally uncapable of forgiving and forgetting in the past. Nad should know what I'm talking about hoho.

Sigh. I'm only human, aren't I? Is it normally this hard to get over a relationship of three long years during the most important events of your life? If it is going to be this hard all the time then I'm never going into another again. If it's going to end all the time after so long, then what's the bloody point, right? I don't have feelings for him anymore, at least not strong ones. It's just the idea of us being so great together makes me so wistful up to the point of returning to where we used to be. We didn't belong there but would a short visit hurt? Turning back time would never happen so I won't even start wishing for it.

Maybe what Hanan predicted may come true. Like, maybe somewhere in the not too distant future, he and I will get back together somehow. And then he'd hurt me in the worst way possible ever and then finally I'd be able to get over him because getting hurt twice by the same person is definitely so much a person could bear. In the end, I'd end up with Hichael. Hahahaha, okay not Hichael definitely - maybe some random guy who, with a miracle sent from Him, can make me fall in love with him (which is highly unlikely).
So there.

But in the meantime, let me just enjoy this civilised state we've finally attained for a little while more. Knowing Kai...heh. I'll just leave it at that...

Labels: Kai, wishful thought

You know when they say that ignorance is bliss?
Yep, trust me, you got to believe what they say. Ignorance is definitely bliss. In fact, it's pure euphoria.

Labels: Kai, random shit

It feels kind of out of place to write something else mentioning Kai in the same entry as the previous' (seeing that he was sexually harassed by a gay, although not directly) so here's a different entry altogether :)

PLLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEE EXAMS BE GONE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. GIVE ME MY KAILANI BACK AAAAAH.

Labels: Kai

There was just you and me, sitting down side by side, gazing at the stars as they blinked down on us. It had been a little too long since we talked and we laughed like we didn't have a care in the whole world. It's just us and nobody else.
And then there was the familiar whiff of your scent, the familiar feeling of being safe whenever you're around, the familiar assurance of you staying right beside me. I have to admit, that feeling doesn't really come very often nowadays but I'm glad it did after a long while.
I miss that look in your eyes, how it sparkled whenever you talk animatedly like how you did. I miss the way you make me scream for you to stop whenever you start. I miss the way you gestured me into leaning against you, with your left arm automatically wrapping around me as I did so. And I guess, ultimately, I miss being with you, and only you.



And when you sent me home, I expected the feeling of uncertainty of when I'd get to see you again...


But it never came :)

I love you, and I know you know that.

Labels: Kai

Despite being all mopey about the birthday being the best yet the worst one, I still am a happy goober for the fact that I indeed, had the best birthday ever. Nyaha. Well, it won't help if I concentrate on the boo-boos so I'll just stick with all the wonderful memories that my loved ones gave me for my 18th :)

Pre-birthday. (15122007)
The boy brought me out for a movie :) The Warlords! Haha, not recommendable for people who doesn't like depending on subtitles to find out what's going on. Nor is it recommendable for people who don't find Jet Li and Takeshi Kaneshiro hooooooooooooooottttttt =D I have a thing for these two dudes la so obviously I like the movie many many :) Thank you, Mr.Kailaniiiii. Nyeheh.
Rushed to the airport thereafter to send the parents off to Indonesia for their, erhem, honeymoon trip *chuckles* They really do need the break and taking time off to go Padang/Bukittinggi, just the two of them is perfect :) Papa was soo selamba in wishing me an advanced happy birthday what with his traditional gift of 50smackeroos. Heee.
Aaaand then it was off to Arab Street with abang, kak Dila, kakak, Qhairil, Sufyan and Kai :)))) It was pretty messy to get around because everybody was at different places at that point of time and it didn't help that most of the cafes at Arab Street was packed with people. What made it worse was that there was this shopaholic party going on at one of the lanes (which we were eating at, unfortunately) with free beer flows and loud annoying music. Bleargh. The smell (of the beer) and sounds just get to me and I ended up having a headache while trying to sheesha. Thank God for the people whom I love are around me so it wasn't all that bad :) Qhairil gave me his present which was shamelessly opened by kakak, of course. Thaaaaaaaaaankk youuu!! And I love the way Yan sheepishly wished me happy birthday with that crooked smile of his *chuckles* (kai takmo jealous hor) =D
We had to end the night a little earlier at 10 because abang and kak Dila both had the morning shift the next day.

The best part about that night was when I got home, there was this deranged girl trying to sneak up behind me and attempted to cover my eyes but tak menjadi =DDDDDDD just because I had to turn at that precise time when she was running out from her hiding place to me laaa. Haiyah, I'm a surprise spoiler. Hehehe =D And then she and her accomplice covered my eyes anyway and led me to the place where another girl was armed with a birthday cake and candles which were melting on the cake =DDDDDDDDDD

That was my first surprise that anybody has ever sprung on me on my birthday :)

So you can imagine how elated I was when they sang me my birthday song and I had to blow the candles immediately or we'd have a waxy cake to eat =D I wasn't just happy, I was elated :)
All thanks to my beautiful angels and I don't think I need to introduce them anymore :)
And of course, the people who played a part in the whole surprise too were kakak and Kai. No wonder the both of them were mysteriously messaging and covering their phones whenever I tried to take a peep. Hehe.
I felt so loved that night. Really :') Thank you, sayang-sayangku, thaaaaank you so muchhh :)))

Then the messages started to come in. I've thanked them personally but I just feel like posting a general thank you to all of them here :)
Dila, Firdaus, Kak Dila, Taufiq, Syafiq, Faisal, Apek, Xueling, Ridhwan, Fatin, Nadzerah, Seri, Nurul, Shereen, Ibu, Yani, Huda, Fawwaz (Ducky), Kak Nad, Cik Ina, Daddy, Bik Ziah, Anwar, Farhan, Haikel, Alex, Melati aaand Hafiz :)

Birthday! (16122007)
Since the parents were away and dad's car was pretty much not in use, the sister decided to drive ourselves around! =D Haha, it was surprising that dad actually allowed her to use in the first place, knowing what a lousy driver she is *chuckles* But it was okay. The car didn't suffer any scratches and I'm still alive to be blogging this =D Anywaaaay, she was feeling very generous to me on my birthday aaaand treated me to Sakae Sushi =DDDDDDDDDD Omg, I almost overdosed myself on the unagi but hey, that's the whole point =D
Went to my third mama's house afterwards since I share the same birthday with my cousin :) Ibu gave me this beeeeyoooottiful necklace which I've alwayssss wanted :)))

Hudadadadada sprung another surprise on me!
I've got what I wanted all along for my birthday - a surprise. And I got two surprises! =D

Post-birthday (17122007)
Daddy and Cik Ina messaged me early in the morning asking me out to Johor with them yesterday :) Kakak and I were really hyped up c0s Johor = Dunkin' Donuts! I was craving thaaat badly for them donuts but....
THOSE STUPID MALAYSIAN IMMIGRATION JUST HAD TO SPOIL MY (post) BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION WITH MY DADDY!!
Just because my passport photo that was taken about 8 years ago wasn't changed yet. Dammit la it's just a bloody photo! The officers at Singapore let me off and why can't they?! Wahlao it was damn pissifying la can? We were already at the Johor checkpoint and we had to return back to Singapore just because of a stupid photograph! I know I look hideous in that picture but it's just a bloody pictureeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Gah. Okay, obviously I'm still pissed off because their attitude was THAT atrocious. Sheesh.
But daddy and Cik Ina wasn't gonna let those stupid officers spoil our night so we went back to Causeway Point to have our dinner instead. Swensen's :)) Tak heran lah nak gi Johor. Bluek!

And then later that night, everything was okay. Yet again. Although I'm not going to let my guard down this time round because it's happened far too many times. Whatever you said the night before also played a part. But still, we'll try and work this out as far as we can go...

Turning a year older has never been this great :)
Thank God for all the angels who made me feel so loved.

Pictures will be up in the next post!

Labels: birthday wishes, familia, friends, Kai

=D

And of course, the reason why I loved yesterday was because you were there. I love you baby :)

Labels: Kai, photos

I've finally plucked up the courage once again to put on a pair of rollerblades yesterday! Haha, and it was only because we ran out of ideas of where to go (okay, this is beginning to scare me a little bit) due to some...problems, so Kai and I decided to, erhem, rollerblade. Nyaha! Well, only for him la. I managed to actually stand up on that two things without being a ballerina doing her split, in an unglam manner of course so that's quite an achievement, yay =D And thank God for the millionth time that I have a boyfriend with an unlimited supply of patience :) At the end of the session, I managed to walk around on the road without losing my balance yay! Sorry la, must self-motivate myself maahh..heh heh.

Finally, finally, finallyyyy...
My blog's up again (as you can see) with new background and such (much to my relief) after spending two solid days on working on it. I hate to come up with a new blog design when I've got no inspiration so thisssss is a result of forcing my brain to churn out some creative juice. I'm not really satisfied, but I'll just make do with it for now. Spending 8 hours in front of the computer for two days and having migraine each time after doing so got to mean something kan? Heh :) Althought I've got to admit that the background wasn't completely all my hardwork. You see the butterfly/flowers design at the bottom left corner? That was plucked from some other designs at blogskins.com. I just had to add a bit more butterflies plus some dotted swirls and glittery effects and taadaah! The butterfly with my bigass website splashing across it is entirely my own though :) Okay, enough about the blog already, nyeh.

There's just something else that I've been itching to blog about but it's just stuck there. So I'll leave it till the next time it decides to knock again. And it's been awhile since my muse for writing/designing/composing/drawing came around. It's time that it should, you know, judging from the fact that I have sooooooooooooooooooooo much free time on my hands now. Bleargh.

Labels: Kai, random shit

It was exactly three years ago when we first went out on our first real date. I still remember that I went online in the morning (well, you know, at that point of time, msn messenger means the world to me and i was practically online 24/7 if i'm able to do so), hoping to catch him online as well. And as our conversation went on, I suddenly had the itch to, erhem, asked him out. Hahahaha, yes, I was the one who asked him out (it totally proves the point about the emancipation of women in this new century, eh?). Surprisingly, he agreed. And even more surprisingly, my parents actually allowed me to go out despite the fact that it was just an impromptu decision. You see, my parents had a thing about telling them in advance first before I can go out and stuff like that (i was still 15 what. what do you expect?). But on that day, they just good-heartedly asked me where was I heading to and all, and did not flinch when I mentioned that I was going out with Kai. Hehe. I had this feeling now that they must've thought I'm going out with Qhai (my cousin) instead =D Ohwell. Okay, I really am digressing a lot here, aren't I? *chuckles*


And so, without intending to, we headed to Suntec City's Fountain of Wealth. Needless to say, that was the place we headed to yesterday :) We never really got around celebrating our monthsaries or anniversaries. Apparently, yesterday was the first time in three years that we actually did. Okay, it wasn't really much of a celebration anyway, but the fact that he took time off from his busy schedule just to spend the first 30th of November out of the three...that has got to mean something, isn't it? And also, we acknowledged the fact that it was indeed, our third. Hehe. So that's our own version of a celebration. Nyehah. And, and, and, the fact that we actually made it to three years, was definitely no easy feat, especially for me :)


One thing that I love being in this relationship is that, we both grew up. We've seen each other grow up. In other words, the both of us changed in time but we still managed to make all these changes work for us for the better. Yes, there had been countless of times where I thought all of this would never work out anymore and was on the verge of giving everything up. But those people whom I've poured my woes onto, they were actually cynical about the fact that it could ever be over for us.
"Oh don't worry. It'll be ok soon."
"Alah korang gaduh-gaduh pon besok dah ok nyer."
"Isn't that what you said the last time? Tak jadi-jadi pooonnn.."
Heh, up to the point where some of them got tired of listening to me complain about Kai and I because they know, eventually, whatever serious problem we were facing, will work out in the end. And for that, I'm thankful, because it's true :)


Hanan once told me, if we managed to get this through after my two years of jc life, then insya'Allah the later times to come would be okay. Hmm..well, there had been too many a times where we almost "broke up" but we didn't, soo..... :)

And do you know that it was only late of last year (somewhere around this period, i think) that I actually got comfortable calling him my boyfriend? Hehe. Yes, before that period, if anybody was to come up to me and ask me whether I had a boyfriend or if that guy in the picture in my handphone is my boyfriend, I swear I didn't know what to answer. And if anybody was to mention Kai as my boyfriend, subconsciously, I'd feel my face turning into a scowl/frown and...I donno, I actually denied! But ohwell, it's better now. I can say with a smile that Mohammad Kailani is my boyfriend. Lol.

Ohwell, here we are, after three years :)
And I wanna spend many more three years with you.
Guess we'd have threeyearsary instead of anniversaries which normal couples celebrate eh? Hehe. It's not like as if we'd make such a big hoohaa out of it either. We'll just visit Fountain of Wealth and have a nice chat together while watching the wonders of the biggest fountain in the world (which is not much, i must say). That's not the point anyway. The point is, you're with me :)

Labels: Kai

It's just perplexing how our relationship can ocsillate to the extreme ends within one phonecall. One moment I was screaming (almost, almost) at him with him saying the most vexatious and painful things I've ever heard, and the next moment, he was making funny noises with me giggling over the other end of the line. It is ludicrous, this situation we're in, but the fact that my insecurities just had to keep haunting me, is just wearing the both of us out. He can't stand it, neither could I. We both try to make it work by attempting to understand each other but it's definitely easier said than done.
Sometimes all these conflicts just end up hanging on the line without any conclusion because we both know what's going to happen next and that everything will be just fine. That's just it, isn't it? We both know that eventually, whether or not we intend it to be, everything will be okay. Maybe because we both have put in so much into this relationship to just let it go. We've come a long, long way, and been through the shittiest (almost) of shits. It's just absurd to be giving it up after all that. Yes, no matter how much I wanted to just bail out, no matter how much agony all the fights have been causing me, no matter how much he annoys the shit out of me, at the end of the day, it's his arms which I run back into. It's his presence which I yearned for. It's his company which I need.
I know that impossible is impossible but in this case, it's just impossible for me to let go of it all. No, not when gramps keeps asking for him and MakLong being so eager to whip up a meal should he decide to come over the next time. Not when I've finally picked up the courage to talk like a normal person (read: tak gagap) to his mom over the phone. Not when it's only a few more days to the 30th of November.


But as concluded over the phone, we'd start over.

We're friends now.

I'll leave it at that.

Simply said, I love you la, bingai.

****************

Been meeting up the guys to discuss about some matters and it looks like I'd get to perform again :) Maybe this time, the girls might get to come because it doesn't involve any moshpits nor is it gonna be late at night. Hehe, and I'm excited :)))) And it just goes to show I can't stay away from the stage. I've been in the choir, malay dance, played in the guitar ensemble and even performed dikir barat, heh. Tried singing in my brother's band once or twice and switched my roles around in this doofus people's band. Maybe when in the university later, I'll try out acting =D Nyahahaha. That'd be one hell of an experience, ey? Ohwell. It's a good thing stage fright and I are total strangers.
=D Yay yay I get to perform! Hahaha. Sayang-sayangku, kalau korang sudi, tengok aku perform kay? Hehe, ni confirm tudung Hanan tak akan senget nyer *chuckles*

Okay, back to chemistry.

Labels: Kai

I miss having a boyfriend.

Labels: Kai

I trusted you. I opened up to you up till the point that you can even read my mind like an open book. But you never did. I can never figure out what's on your mind, what you are up to, or what you are even thinking of. I realised, that I never really know you at all. You're the one who knows me inside out but I never really got round to know who you are. You never tell me anything and I'd always end up in a wild goose chase, just trying to figure what is on your mind.

Who are you, really, Mohammad Kailani?

Labels: Kai