Immersing myself in the whole of Twilight Saga (again) within the span of 12 hours is NOT doing me any good at all. Because right now in school, I'm feeling the desperate need to rush home and drown myself in the fantasy I built half the entire day yesterday. And I think I'm gonna turn delusional soon judging by the fact that I'm actually thinking Edward is waiting for me at home. Hehe, and I mean the real life Edward, of course in the form of Robert Pattinson.

Haiz...

Labels: wishful thought

And I didn't know that one song can pretty much sums up my topsy turvy life right now. Thank God for Vanessa Williams.

Labels: wishful thought

I still miss you.

Labels: wishful thought

I just want to be with...you.
That's all I want.

Labels: wishful thought

Sometimes, you have to be lost to find yourselves. Only then you could stumble upon all the possibilities and impossibilities that you never ever thought of. Life is about making mistakes - and being lost in the first place, is a mistake.

Labels: wishful thought

There was a rainbow after a heavy storm this evening. It got me thinking, if something so beautiful as a rainbow could emerge out of a raging storm like that, would something better come out of this mess that I'm going through right now?

I'm keeping the faith in Him that all of these will go away in time. I'm keeping the faith in Him that something good, something better, would come eventually, insya'Allah.

Labels: wishful thought

Kel can be a very good diary. Not only do I have to spend a lot of time writing and causing blisters on my fingers (i actually enjoy this part of writing manually, actually), this diary can talk back and give kickass advices, which is part of the deal of being a human diary anyway. Hurhur.

I have yet to come up with a definite reason as to why I'm feeling all vulnerable and susceptible to being so affected at the mention of you-know-who. It's annoying c0s I have no idea what I want. I refuse to acknowledge the fact that I still care for him, and worse still, I still do love him unconditionally. But at the same time, I don't want him to know any of that and it's not like as though I want him back in my life like how he used to be. I really don't want him around in my life like that.

You tell me what kind of bullshit is that la kan?

Ahwell. It's technically his birthday already right now.

And I've gotten him this...metal Fender guitar pick which I got online cos apparently, it's not available in Singapore. And also a notebook with a pen, well, for obvious reasons, for him to pen his thoughts in because I know he's not the type to open up so easily to anyone about anything that's affecting him in many ways. Even if he does, it's not exactly the whole story. He told me once about how he was writing so furiously till he broke down about this one particular incident which I shall not rake up now. If writing for him helps, then I hope this notebook and pen will.

But I don't have the guts to give these things to him.

Happy twentieth birthday, Kai. I really do wish for all the happiness in the world for you, no matter what form of that happiness may be, because if I manage to know somehow that you are, I will be too (:
I don't know how long am I gonna remain being in love with you because I have this funny feeling that it won't be stopping anytime soon. But if God answered my prayers to let you meet with someone who's gonna make you happy and is every bit worthy of you, then that's what's gonna make me happy too, even if it will hurt in places I never knew existed.
Happy birthday again, and have an awesome one with your loved ones (:

Love with all my heart,
Aishah

Labels: birthday wishes, Kai, wishful thought

Hahahahahahahahahahaha okay bedek. Sumpah bedek. Aku sumpah mintak kene sepak.

I know for a fact that if I were to reread this post a month from now, I'd be kicking myself in the head with a steel-toed shoe. Heck, I think if I were to read this 24 hours from now, my face would be burning in shame for even harbouring the thought. But then again, I need to get it out of my system. Fast. So no matter what hazardous thing (and most prolly suicidal) I would inflict upon myself later.......I'll just worry about that later when it comes.

Going to the beach sitting at our usual spot while reading the diary which I especially kept just for about him was really asking for it. And it doesn't help that everything else that was there just now reminded me of us. It got me thinking that we were actually great together. Fights and screaming matches and all. I realised then, that was what kept us going -- until it was too much to bear. Most of the unbearable parts coming from yours truly. No, this isn't going to be about blaming who and how the relationship ended, it's just about...being vindicated. Once and for all, perhaps.
It's going to be a year soon though it felt like it just happened weeks ago. It's going to be a year soon and even with all those guys whom I dated within that span of one year, still didn't help it getting over us totally. Yes, it's us whom I'm not over about. Him, however, I'm doing a great progress and it's almost complete. I know you guys are getting bored to tears reading this episode over and over again but until I'm really sure where I'm standing at, I don't think I'll ever be relieved of anything just yet. I'm sorry you guys had to witness this...progression of me trying to convince myself out of living in denial.

Sigh.
It's not everyday that we can find someone who's perfect for you, right? And it's not such an easy feat for me to even be convinced that I actually found someone perfect judging from what a bitch of an indecisive person I can be. Eventually, eventually, eventually - this event is taking quite sometime to come and surprisingly, I'm in no rush for it to finally come.

I bumped into him the other day and there wasn't any rush of emotions that I anticipated coming. We had a pleasant chat, even. We'd gone from being madly in love with each other to attempting to be normal friends to being hostile and barbaric and now, finally, to being...civilised with one another. And I couldn't ask for more because, it takes a lot for the both of us to swallow whatever pride and (bruised) ego that we have to just...be nice. There wasn't a hint of spite or sarcasm throughout that whole 15minutes of us talking. That was quite an achievement, really. Ahwell. I guess there really is some form of humanity left in me after all, you know, being able to forgive and forget sincerely coming straight from the heart. Heh. Mind you, I was totally uncapable of forgiving and forgetting in the past. Nad should know what I'm talking about hoho.

Sigh. I'm only human, aren't I? Is it normally this hard to get over a relationship of three long years during the most important events of your life? If it is going to be this hard all the time then I'm never going into another again. If it's going to end all the time after so long, then what's the bloody point, right? I don't have feelings for him anymore, at least not strong ones. It's just the idea of us being so great together makes me so wistful up to the point of returning to where we used to be. We didn't belong there but would a short visit hurt? Turning back time would never happen so I won't even start wishing for it.

Maybe what Hanan predicted may come true. Like, maybe somewhere in the not too distant future, he and I will get back together somehow. And then he'd hurt me in the worst way possible ever and then finally I'd be able to get over him because getting hurt twice by the same person is definitely so much a person could bear. In the end, I'd end up with Hichael. Hahahaha, okay not Hichael definitely - maybe some random guy who, with a miracle sent from Him, can make me fall in love with him (which is highly unlikely).
So there.

But in the meantime, let me just enjoy this civilised state we've finally attained for a little while more. Knowing Kai...heh. I'll just leave it at that...

Labels: Kai, wishful thought

I've been dreaming of this particular someone quite frequently of late. It seems weird that he appeared in my dreams though, when I know I willed myself to dream of Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson actually being my boyfriend. And then I went through some old folders in my thumbdrive which I didn't know I saved those files at all. So I went tumbling down some...ancient conversations that I, for some unknown reasons to me now, painstakingly saved.

Then I came across this:

Come as usual, go as fine` says:
eh ur nick bukan main vocabulary hardcore
none of the baroque ecstasy, none of the grotesque compulsion. says:
haha
none of the baroque ecstasy, none of the grotesque compulsion. says:
you know what
none of the baroque ecstasy, none of the grotesque compulsion. says:
i pon tak faham
none of the baroque ecstasy, none of the grotesque compulsion. says:
falalalala
Come as usual, go as fine` says:
paham kan laahh
Come as usual, go as fine` says:
lagu ape seh tu
none of the baroque ecstasy, none of the grotesque compulsion. says:
haha
none of the baroque ecstasy, none of the grotesque compulsion. says:
nolaah
none of the baroque ecstasy, none of the grotesque compulsion. says:
it's actually from this book which i've been reading
none of the baroque ecstasy, none of the grotesque compulsion. says:
and then this chapter was talking about how the girl was reminiscing the times she had with her ex-boyfriend la
none of the baroque ecstasy, none of the grotesque compulsion. says:
how the memories rush back to her when she looked at him now
none of the baroque ecstasy, none of the grotesque compulsion. says:
how in a way that it's good that they broke up
none of the baroque ecstasy, none of the grotesque compulsion. says:
because it allows them to see each other in a different perspective
Come as usual, go as fine` says:
different perspective such as?
none of the baroque ecstasy, none of the grotesque compulsion. says:
"I can recall him with fondness and even in some detail, which is more than I can say for several others."
none of the baroque ecstasy, none of the grotesque compulsion. says:
means that she doesn't hold such grudge or angst against him when they were together
none of the baroque ecstasy, none of the grotesque compulsion. says:
when they're apart, she can just..remember the good times

I can't remember when this conversation took place but I'm sure it was during one of our rare 'good' days after he entered poly. Well, we did have some decent intellectual conversations after all amongst all those bickerings and whatnots. And obviously we have a large share of those...happier days. Ah, I'm not wishing for them to come back or anything. It's just one of those nights when I just decided to reminisce and take a short walk down the memory lane, that's all. And I'm glad that I could recall it all with such fondness in detail now though I'm a bit worried about this small part of me which is missing those days when we were actually friends. Yes, honestly, I really do miss him being my friend.

And now I wondered why I titled this conversation as "finally..."

Labels: wishful thought

I obviously cannot get enough of this Robert Pattinson. I've watched the movie TWICE in the cinemas, donno-how-many times online and read all of the Twilight series which consists of 4 books in total. I bought all four of them (each book has like about 700 - 800 pages) on Thursday (courtesy of kel sayang. btw baby, that has got to be the best birthday present ever!) and finished reading the last book yesterday. Even in books, with absolutely no pictures whatsoever, I salivate over Edward Cullen. I swear...he is *inserts adjective* I could picture Stephenie Meyer being at a loss of words trying to describe how insanely and godly gorgeous he actually is. And hohyeah the director of the movie was really spot on by taking Robert Pattinson (the love of my life right now) to play Edward.

Sigh.

I have to say, with absolutely no biasness towards the actor in mind, the Twilight series is definitely the best fairytale/fantasy ever created. It is almost believable to some point, which is why it's so awesome. I don't get it why a lot of people say that the movie didn't do the book justice. In my opinion, it did. Yeah they missed out a few parts here and there but they still kept the whole gist of the story, so not all is lost. But to really know how Edward Cullen is really the WOW guy that he is, read the book because that's how Stephenie Meyer really brought him out to life and got me swooning just by reading lol (:

And right now, my future boyfriend HAS to match up to Edward Cullen. How protective he is, how much respect (okay, this part, is just because he's afraid to hurt Bella physically. that's why he dared not touch her) he has towards Bella, how sensitive, how tender and how loving.........like I said, he's the epitome of the perfect boyfriend. If I can ever find a guy who would end his life just because I'm already gone, I'd marry him straightaway. Of course, putting aside religion boundaries and everything. It's just the mere fact that he loves her so much up to the point he doesn't wanna live when she's not around simply is...sigh, I can't think of a better word other than perfect. Look at how he said these things to Bella laaaaa macam mana tak cair???

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. very dark, but there
were stars- points of light and reason... And then you shot across my sky like a
meteor. Suddently everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was
beauty. when you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon,
everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the
light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for
anything."

"If I could dream at all, it would be about you.And I'm not ashamed of it."

"I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore."

"I'll be back so soon, you wont have time to miss me, I promise. Look after my heart, I've left it with you."

If ONLY guys in real life has got enough balls to actually say all of these and actually meant it. Heck, it would be a miracle if any guy knows what these actually meant. Ahwell.

Now let's swoon some more over Edward/Robert, shall we? (:

The last time I had a celebrity crush like this was waaaaaaaaaaay back in seconday 1 or 2, and I can't even remember the name of the celebrity that I went gaga over. This time, I think the crush will go on and on and on and on I don't think I'll get sick of him heeeeeeeee (:

I wanna go all the way to Hollywood (or wherever he's staying at) and get married to him can? I cannot wait for New Moon (the sequel to Twilight) to come out next year. I'll be the first to catch it, trust me (:

Labels: photos, random shit, wishful thought

Life at this moment?

Absolute bliss.

Yes, I am aware of the fact that nothing good will ever last. Somehow or rather, I prognosticate that whatever downfall that is about to come, will come at full blast. Isn't it always like that? When you're at a state of something close to attaining perfection, WHAM BHAM WHAM, everything else came crumbling down, even when you THINK you're prepared for it. That's just how it goes, right? Striking a balance uhhuh.

But let whatever downfall that is about to hit me take its time to come because right now, I'm basking in the almost-perfection of everything. I just need to stop moving forward and remain stagnant for a little while so that I'll have the time to count all of my blessings.

Labels: wishful thought

I made kakak cry last night, and almost ruined an almost perfect day we spent together.
I made kakak cry, by telling her what a loser her boyfriend is. At least, that's how she interpreted. And maybe that's how I formed my sentences to make it sound like as though I was telling her what a loser her boyfriend is. Although she's the elder sister, I've always felt the need to protect her. Protect her from what?

Everything.

It has been that way since we were young. I can't remember clearly but from what mom told me, dad asked me to sleep on the bed which was closer to the window so that I could protect kakak. Whatever that means, I couldn't really decipher the meaning behind that but I figured that since I'm the bigger (read: fatter) one although I'm younger, I was supposed to do the protecting. Maybe that idea stuck on me till now.

Bottomline is, I don't want to see kakak get hurt the way I'd gotten hurt. At least one of us is more than enough. I don't know why I'm so adamant on the fact that this guy would turn out to be the exact replica of Kai, and I sure as hell don't want the same thing to happen to kakak.
She was hurt, of course, saying that I'm not giving her the support that I should be giving as her little sister.

But how on earth does she expect me to do just that when she comes home almost every week, crying her heart out, complaining what a complete jackass he had been to her? How does she expect me to see the good in him when all I see when I do actually get to meet him in the first place, is just this stuck-up idiot who thinks the world revolves around him? How does she expect me to see what a trustworthy person he is when all he does is to lie to kakak time and time again? How does she expect me to see what an amazing guy he is when he blatantly blow puffs of smoke directly into my sister's face?! Dammit la even our FATHER has the decency to take his smoke somewhere else and not be near his family, what right does he fucking have to do that?
And I know that kakak's always been doing the spending while he just enjoy the benefit of being spent on.

All of this, sounds all too familiar, doesn't it?

I'm not the kind of person who would warmly welcome someone into my family without seeing him/her proving himself. I'm exactly like dad. It's not that we're judgemental. It's just that, somehow or rather, in a convincing yet unfathomable kind of way, we tend to see through people. And the dead giveaway would be how he/she acts around my family members. You can just sense whether or not it's sincere or fake. Whether it is forced or effortless.

For this guy...you should be getting my drift by now.

It's not just my family members that I'm protective of - it's my friends too. But what are the possibilities of your friends or family members to actually listen to you, right? Probability is, close to none. Take kakak for example. I was merely pointing out a few out of the 98357984523984619465279563918471 evidences to prove that he's not worthy of her, and she already bawled her eyes out. I know I might have sounded a tad too harsh and also biased but, enough is enough, you know? I've had enough of her crying herself to sleep every night. I've had enough of putting up with her fights she had with him over the phone.

Sigh.

Please la eh korang...if ever one day I were to disapprove of your significant others under solid and rational circumstances, please don't take my words to heart but do think about it. You know I love all of you so much that it would tear me apart to see any one of you get hurt. I know I may not always be right but at least stop and ponder about how many times he'd promise he'd change but never got round to doing it. Stop and wonder where did all the 10000 promises he did when he wants to "be with you". Stop and count how many times did he actually make you smile, and how many times more did he make you cry. My one and only intention is not wanting any of you, get hurt.

Labels: wishful thought, word diarrhoea

I don't know how to come up for an introduction for this post just because. I wanted to talk about this particular, specific...something but at the same time, as how my post always ended up, include another, a lot, of random things. But ahwell, I need to get this off my chest first.


Surprisingly, I don't miss having a boyfriend.


Haha, yeah, too soon to say c0s it's been barely a year since it all began so the impact isn't all that hard on me yet. Besides, I've been going out on random dates with a bunch of losers since then (okay, maybe not ALL are losers), possibly on a rebound, so it's not all that bad. But that's just it, isn't it? I know those losers aren't gonna last and I'm perfectly fine with it. It's all in the name of fun, so you may think, and it is. So you may roll your eyes to the sky and say, haha wait till she's old and alone, then she'll feel how bad it is without having a boyfriend.

In all honesty, I really don't mind being old and alone. I'm not scared of spending the rest of my life alone without having anybody to share it with or whatever shoomzy moozy of a bullshit there is. I metioned I'm surprised about not missing having a boyfriend. Yeah, in someway or another, I am, because looking at how I got into another relationship so quickly back then, I'm surprised I'm not at all interested in starting a whole new relationship with another now. As in, seriously I am sumpah not interested AT ALL. I even find going on dates with a guy pretty much...nothing...no matter how insanely good-looking that guy is (according to xueling, of course), no matter how good he is with his words (hoho, Yan), no matter what he did to make me move (i didn't. okay, maybe an inch), no matter how great a length he goes just to have some form of connection with me...nothing.

Maybe, again, it's a once-bitten-twice-shy kinda thing. Guys are all born naturally jerks and they can't help being jerks. It's like coded in their DNA or something and that they can't do anything about it. They'd do anything to get what they want and once they get it...*inserts cricket sounds* So with this perception which was programmed into my brain, I tend to be skeptical of everything they say. I just brush off every guy that comes along because I'm tired of history repeating itself over and over again.

And I'm not regretting it. Not now, maybe not ever.

I don't miss the everyday-must-text-or-call rubbish asking how my day went, or whether or not I have eaten (my future boyfriends will be banned from asking me this question), or whatever questions people ask nowadays I don't know and I don't care. I don't miss anything about going out on special dates or celebrating annivesaries and all those mush. I don't miss having a companion or "someone to lean on to" when I'm faced with such a difficult situation that only the so-called He can "just make everything alright with his presence".

Maybe it's all that when I have someone special but for now, I really don't see the need for anything close to all of that.

I have Xueling for me to call to just randomly go out for ice-cream or anything stupid that we've been doing since we've known each other. I have Kel for me to call up in the middle of the night should there be any nights where I can't sleep and badly need someone to talk to (heck, sometimes he's just in the opposite room so that's even more convenient). I have Aiman to give me the greatest advise that noone can ever give. I have Ezal to take me riding on his bike to make me a happy goober everytime I feel low. I have Apek to scold me like nobody's business each time I thought of something ridiculous to do. I have Nad to go on shopping sprees with me and also to call to cry my heart out. I have Hanan to complain and rant about stuffs, and her to blantantly tell me things which I don't want to hear but need to hear. I have Syida to give me her supportive response in basically about anything I wanna do. I have Huda and Rai to make me laugh till I almost pee in my pants. I have Qhairil to constantly teach me something new about life. I have Zul to have great conversations with and also to answer my endless questions whenever we watch a movie. I have Syafiq to pamper and spoil me, and also be my human punching bag.

I have so many boyfriends in each one of them so why should I settle for just one?

No, I don't need just a someone to tell me that I mean the world to him and tell me that he loves me with all his heart. I have my parents to do just that. And it's lagi mulia coming from them. Besides, each one of them always tell me they love me, so I'm pretty much loved (:

Ahwell.

Maybe it just boils down to one thing:
I still am searching for that closure. The progress of getting over him is almost completed c0s I feel kind of...happy looking at the pictures of him and his not-so-new beau. I know, right, shocking. But I have to admit that pang of, I donno, somethingggg did hit when I saw the first photo. After that, it wasn't as excruciating. In fact, it wasn't even excruciating. I thought the photos were nice even, heh.

So, another rebound date, anyone? Haha.
Astaghfirullah, this person who just asked me out is a very, very, very nice person. Please please please don't let him turn out to be just another Suffian the Loverboboy (haha no prizes for guessing who came up with this nickname). And WHY did I say that it's a rebound date is beyond me.

Oh, and Abang Faisal just got married. Selamat pengantin baru (:

Which reminds me, I'd better not screw my performance up tomorrow yikes! Wish me luck!

Labels: wishful thought, word diarrhoea

Everyone has their own ideals on how and what should their significant others be like. I thought I had mine perfectly drawn out and was beyond happy when that perfect guy actually existed and was actually in my life. But, like I said before, there's always a but to everything there is, I was horribly wrong. So, I guess, from that learning experience, I roughly thought of a new set of ideals...for now. Heh, you know I'm THAT fickle-minded, so...

1. Good English.
Like I told Zul the other day, guys with good English turns me on. Haha, nothing erotic, really. But it's just appealing in a way if he doesn't converse in broken english and manipulate the language to turn it into something beautiful. No, he doesn't have to write poetries or compose songs or stuff like that. Just being able to share his thoughts smoothly without having any difficulty in doing so is just wonderful. You know me, my brain is always in a clutter and that I can never keep my mouth shut about issues that I find disturbing or about anything under the sun for that matter. I want need want a guy who's able to argue things out rationally and have a good discussion about it rather than just letting me "win" without any good points or is all out to "win" himself with baseless counterarguments.
"Tak nak kalah sia dia ni!" I absolutely HATE it when people do that. It's like, you don't have any good points to begin with and they are all rebut-able, so why not? I'm just trying to prove my point. Not die-die want to win. Sheesh.
And it would be a big, big, big bonus if he can understand what I'm trying to say. I have the tendency to make things complicated with the way I put things across. Can't help it la, I very long-winded what. If anybody can understand and read in between all my lines, I doubt there'd be any arguments. At all :)
So, yeah, guys with good English :)))))

2. Talk as much as I do.
This goes hand in hand with good English. I talk A LOT so I need someone who talks as much as I do. It would be utterly, utterly boring if I were to do the talking all the time. And the conversation doesn't have to make any sense at all. It can be about anything, anything at all, no matter how random it may be. Because that's what will make it fun, you know?

3. Spontaneous.
I like to do all sorts of crazy things anytime I feel like it. So it would be awesome if he's up for all the crazy things I wanna do too :) I don't like it if people give the malas-nak-layan response. Urgh, it just dampens everything else. Bleargh.

4. Not clingy.
Meaning - there isn't a need to call every single day or exchange messages every other hour. It gets kind of...rimas like that. Meet-ups or dates doesn't have to be the mandatory once-a-week or once-a-month event. If we're free, then we'll meet up. If not, then it's really no biggie. I need a guy who can and will understand the meaning of BUSY. It would be great if he's as busy as I am so everything else will just find its way through and work out :)

5. Family person.
The first thing on his priority list should be his family. I wouldn't give two hoots if he was to cancel our precious (we'll only get to meet once in a blue moon, remember?) date because of family-related things. I'd rather he spend time with his family than with me because well, that's how things should be in the first place. If he can put aside his family for something else less important, he can do the same thing to others too, right? So yeah, being a family oriented person is important to me. Because I am and I would just drop everything there is on my hands if my family needs me. And he gotta understand that first and formostly :)

I don't need somebody who would promise me the stars and the moon, only to get sugar powder on a black canvas. I don't need somebody who would promise me forever, because forever never cease to exist. And I definitely don't need somebody to say those three magical words to me out of obligation because that's just as good as lying.
That I-love-you is just so overrated nowadays.
Bottomline is, I just need someone who'll stay because I'm through with people coming and going out of my life as they please.

Pardon me, I'm just intoxicated. Really.

Labels: wishful thought, word diarrhoea

I've secretly found a squalid escapade in drowning past regrets in tea and cigarettes. Oh, the joy it brings.

Labels: wishful thought

I'm gonna stop kidding myself.

Labels: wishful thought

There are a lot of reasons for me to stay.
There are equally a lot of reasons for me to leave.

Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.

Kel will decide my future with his magical toss of a coin in a few minutes' time. Why a few minutes' time?

Dia ngah berak sekarang.

Okay make that, an hour's time, perhaps.

Labels: wishful thought

This heartache that comes whenever I think of you, it's high time that it should disappear already.

Labels: wishful thought

Yeah, and I'm not about to give anyone the power to do anything to me for a long, long, long time.

Labels: wishful thought