Why is it that most people act the way they act because people expect them to act that way? Like as though there's a certain something that we must adhere to or else others will just shun us away. That's bullshit, really.

I've seen people act differently in front of colleagues/friends and when they are with their loved ones, that's a whole different story altogether. There's the black region, and the white region, north and south - whathaveyou. Question is, why? Why must it be that way? Can't we just stick to one person all the time instead of switching back and forth to suit the expectations of the company we are in?

Ahwell.

Anyway, I'm still not quite ready to let go of this blog just yet. I signed in to my new account, only to come running back here. Haha I'm full of nonsense. Maybe I'll move when I've reached the 600th post on this blog. This would be the 592nd post heh. 592 rambles/bullshit/bare-my-heart-out moments/figments of imaginations since 2006. I'm prolly gonna publicise the new blog? So I'll be compelled to blog about more provocative and controversial issues hehe. This blog is getting boring. I can't count the number of posts labelled Yan on my fingers anymore uhoh.

Labels: rambles, random shit

I was reading out some...list to sissy as she was getting ready for work this morning. And the reply that I got from her after reading out the list was,

"Are you even gonna marry this guy? If you're not even thinking about it, then don't waste your time!"

Hahahahahahahahahahaha what an apt reply coming from the ONLY person who can say that out loud with every right in the whole wide world. Then she continued,

"Been there, done that. Trust me, I KNOW."

Yes, sissy, I know, too. Maybe a little more than you do because I've been there, done that. TWICE. The first time - it wasn't even appreciated because apparently that person doesn't like surprises. The second time - well, the person disappeared for a while buuuuut he's here now so that's what matters (:

Oookay what list was I reading out that made sissy have a short spasm attack, you ask?

K, maybe I'll tell next time.

Heh heh heh heh heh *kening naik naik*

Labels: random shit

There's a lot of things that are beyond our control. Despite how badly we want it, some things are just never meant to go the way you want it to be. And if it's never meant to be yours, it'll never be yours, no matter how hard you try. The harder you try, the more it'll slip away.

That's why I've stopped trying too hard. I've learnt to come to terms with all the things in life that was never meant to be kept or possessed. It's much easier that way, you know, accepting stuff. It doesn't simply mean that I'm resigned to fate. Yes, I'm a strong believer in fate and karma and all that jazz, but that doesn't mean I don't try to put in the effort to make things better if they're straying out for the worse. Maybe I've come around to be a little wiser, a little more...tame? I used to be so angry all the time but nothing came out of it. And I've realised that it's tiring to be angry, it sucks up every ounce of energy that you may have but it doesn't produce anything at all - except for you to fall even harder.

Labels: random shit

Mom asked for my ic which she passed to dad thereafter.

"Papa nak ic Sha buat ape?"
"Papa nak kahwinkan Shasha ngan orang Arab..."

Wei, soal kahwin no joke hor, Papa.

Meanwhile, KUALA LUMPUR HERE I COME.

Hehe for one night only. Be back tomorrow ^_^ Sungguh potong steam but I don't give a shit. Kuala Lumpur is still Kuala Lumpur, even if it's just within a 24hour span. Bye!

Labels: random shit

When you get too close, too comfortable with someone, anyone at all, and then they decide to leave you. You'd feel like as though he's taken a big huge bag of You with him and all you could ever manage to feel is lost and wondered day and night if anything at all did happen in the first place. You shared everything about you with that person, questioned every doubt, gotten every answer, and stripped everything bare till it becomes transparent. Then he'll play the Grinch who stole...you. And when you do take a look at past photos (accidentally, of course), sometimes you can't help but wonder, who was that person in that picture? It's cruel and ironic in every way possible that when you're that comfortable with someone, sometimes all you could think about is What If One Day He'll Leave? So the vicious cycle of putting up all the walls that went tumbling down awhile ago continues. It's ironic, because you're scared of the person that you've gotten so comfortable with.

Now, Comfort has become a scarier thing that Love itself.

Labels: random shit

I think I've found the guy I'm gonna marry :D

Despite me looking like hell in the morning, he still came up to me and strike a conversation while I wait for my turn to see the doctor. We talked and talked and talked until I collected my medicine and made my payment. Before I went away to look for daddy,

"Uhh...I don't do this a lot...but I just feel that I haven't talked to you enough yet. If you'd like, maybe we could continue our conversation through text messages..?"

That was probably the ONLY time that I'm thankful I have sinus plus stomachache in the morning which calls for a doctor visit.

So yeah, I look like hell, with absolutely NO tinge of make-up on and wahlah (:
Okaylah, maybe because of the fact that the both of us were wearing masks helped to hide my horrible looking face a little. Heee. But hey, it just goes to show that the eyes are definitely windows to the soulllllll~

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AKU SUMPAH DAH BUANG TEBIAT. Orang setakat ajak berbual je aku teros nak kahwin *shakes head*

Labels: random shit

It's always the case of I-love-you-but-not-in-the-same-way kinda thing.

I love you, but not like how you love me.
You love me, but not like how I love you.

Heh. Always, you know, all the freaking time. It's either that or, you-love-me-but-i'm-too-much-of-a-pussy-to-take-things-further-in-case-i-screw-things-up-and-lose-you-as-a-friend shit.

Ah, this is potential FML material. Things could get worse.

I have friends my age who are already engaged, and heck, getting married or even thinking of getting married in a few years time. A few years time is not such a long time anymore, if you think about it. I just met up with this close friend of mine (name shall remain undisclosed in case she wants this to still remain undercovers), and she was telling me about her plans. She plans to get married to her current boyfriend now (hah, I have no doubts about this, really) in about 4 years time, when she's in her 2nd year of her career. So that'll make her 24 when she gets married.

Wow, married. Married, hokay. Marriage. It's a done deal for life scenario.

At least she's being realistic. I have another friend of mine (my age, mind you) who is getting married at the end of the year, to a guy who just completed NS.

Don't get me started on that issue. I won't...just yet, because I'm dead sleepy right now and I won't get my arguments right that way haha.

Now it got me thinking. I'm already turning freaking 20 at the end of the year. TWENTY. And I've yet to find anyone at all, suitable to my liking at least, as my significant other. Yeah yeah, I know, what's the big deal lah kan? I don't even plan to get married at all. BUT mixing around with married people every day, facing adorable-nak-mampos kids every day, steered my mind a little to another direction altogether.

20, and I'm not getting any younger hahaha.
And yeah, turning 20, and I'm still facing that potential FML situation like the aforementioned.

I'm turning delirious. I need sleep.

Oh! On a random sidenote, you know how our classlists in our days back then were dominated by all the Nur's or Nurul's or Siti's for girls, and Muhammad's for boys? There can be like 10 - 15 girls having their names with Nur in front. Heh, not anymore babes. To actually spot a Nur in the class of 30 is very hard. Nowadays, every one of the pupils has got two names.

Example:
Dhia Qistina
Farah Firzanah
Iffah Insyirah
Nuryn Naqiyah
Qaisara Farzanah
Raifana Humairah
Syasya Irdina

-_- Ah, nama ada dua tapi cikgu panggil satu je. Satu-satu nama glamour last warning eh. But I like la, all very nice names anyway. Dhia Qistina and Iffah Insyirah are my favourite names (: I plan to call my daughter Haney Insyirah.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Ok bye.

Labels: rambles, random shit

Oh how foolish we were at fifteen, you carved your name on my heart; so deep it still bleeds your name. We thought we could live in our own world forever, just you and I, making magic. But, how we thought wrong. The heaps of memories we shared, they are too beautiful for words to describe. I thank you for everything, for every single little thing. For being there, at my beck and call. For keeping me happy. For teaching me how to love. For accepting my flaws. Most importantly, for being who you are. For you, you cannot love me better than you already did. To say goodbye & walk away from you, was the hardest thing I'd to do nineteen years of my life but it was crucial. If I could, I never want to let go. I want to hang on forever, hang on to all the doubts, hang on even if great impediments await us at the end of the line. Unfortunately, it's just something I have to do & I love you enough to let you go. A chapter has to end before a new one begins. The bookmarks all taken out, all dog ears folded open. No more, no more of such mess and uncertainty. What's unmistakable now, we both know, it was a happy ending to our now closed chapter.

Labels: Kai, random shit

I know for sure that something is bugging me when I couldn't sleep, and being in bed does not at all soothe me into sleeping. Instead, I'd get up at 3.12AM (judging by my handphone clock) and start finding whatever things there is in the kitchen for me to...bake.

I end up with an oreo cheesecake 45 minutes later and now I'm here, wondering what else to do.

It suck balls when despite racking my brain while beating the bloody cream cheese until my arm ached, I still couldn't figure out what was bugging the shit out of me. Maybe if I don't solve this buzz by today, I'd probably end up baking brownies today (or tomorrow, whichever) again at 3.12AM.

Okay, I've decided to create powerpoint slides for me kiddos' lesson in about...6 hours' time? Come on, brain juices, do something useful now.

Labels: random shit

My list of friends used to be dominated by Khai/Kai/Qhai's.
There's (Khairul) Fadly, Fazly, Ikhwan, Hakim, and Nizham. And then there's Kailani and Qhairil. So that's all the K(Q)(h)ai's. Only Ikhwan, Hakim, Kailani and Qhairil are still existing, the rest just disappeared into oblivion, so I have lesser confusion of names to deal with.

Right now, my life is dominated by Suffian/Sufyan/Sofyan pulak.
There's two Suffian's, two Sufyan's and one Sofyan -_- Luckily, all of them prefered to be called by different nicknames. There's Starbucks Boy, there's Yan, there's Sufyan (he doesn't want any nicknames, so), there's Fyan, and there's Suf. But out of all these Suffians or whatever their spelling is, only one is my favourite la hehe.

Nama semua perangai nak sama stoppit eh. Quota of friends having the same names dah full so the next friend who happen to have a Khai or a Yan in them, hurhur sorry, application rejected hahahaha. Aku perangai step popular mana entah, meluat nak mamps.

Labels: random shit

You know, I'm still amazed at the fact that I actually survived being a Malay teacher despite struggling to converse in the so-called perfect Bahasa Melayu. I'm still in shock that they think I'm qualified enough to even be a Cikgu despite only attaining a Merit in my Malay oral (they are prolly ignorant of the fact that i requested my oral tester to repeat her question in english since i don't really get what she was trying to ask hehe) for O'levels. But ahwell, I did survive the whole year and whoopdeedoo! I managed to get into NIE finally (:

So I was cleaning up my cupboard for the umpteenth time and found some old secondary school work from 4 years ago. And I surprised myself, really. I read back this karangan I did for my hmt prelims examination and...whoa, I COULD actually write! Hahahahaha my verbal and written malay sumpah jauuuuuuuuuuh la sak. I scored a 65 out of a possible 70 marks for this particular karangan. I is so awesome hahahaha =D I'm just gonna type it all down for fun's sake and it's also because I wanna throw it away - waste of space hehe. I'm on a roll in cleaning out my cupboard. Enjoy reading (kalau korang kuasa hahaha)

Labels: random shit

So, everyone's prediction came true after all. I had my first rendezvous with the surface of the road, and it's not at all pretty. To think that I laughed it off when I realised that I couldn't stand up when the passers-by asked me if I could. They must've thought I'm going mad - or was that a natural reaction that you get from someone who just flew off their bikes? I wouldn't know now, would I? But yeah, I did.

Despite the fact that everyday, I made every possible safety check on Lange making sure that all is fine, kalau da nak accident tu, accident je laaa...hehe. So yes, dudes, aku da rasaaaaa dah. I had my compulsary first time road accident while that p-plate is still plastered on my bike.

Sigh. Now Lange isn't really in working condition because the fall was quite hard. My heart ached when Lange couldn't even come to life at all :( Please, please, please get well soon when daddy send you to the doctor's this weekend. Sigh.

But, I really gotta thank the drivers who were on the road just now because they were an amazing help. Really. The driver behind me helped to lift off the bike from my legs (the bike hempap my legs, i can't move at all), the driver in front helped me carry my bike and all, and another driver helped make sure I'm okay and everything...really I was so grateful for them. Luckily I'm in a state to talk properly to tell them where I lived and actually call dad up. The driver (whose car i was trying to avoid crashing into) sent me home with dad and brother waiting at the void deck for me. Aaaahwell... Really am thankful for those wonderful people la (: That's one of the lucky things about the accident.

Okay, now I need to figure out how the hell do I get up from this sitting position because my knee has lost all its ability to straighten at all. Help :(

Labels: random shit

You know how those Malay dramas with storylines that have cheating husbands in them? How come it's always the wives who blame and reproach themselves for their husbands going astray to another woman's arms? Their script would somewhat look something like this:

"Kenapa abang buat Pah (her name is Sharifah la katakan) macam gini? Apa salah Pah buat, bang? Abang tolonglah katakan bang. Apa salah Pah? Selama ni Pah jaga makan dan minum abang, tak cukup ke bang? Apa yang Pah buat yang tak sempurna bang? Cakap, bang, CAKAAAAAAAAAAP!"

See. Reproach after reproach after reproach.
So she said that she's already doing her job as a dutiful wife by taking care of her husband's needs just fine. She's loyal to the husband, tries to please him as much as she can, etc, etc. But STILL the husband can saunter around seeking pleasure from other means and ways outside. As quoted from the Wise Man (aka Kel), men would still want some side dishes to go with their main course.

That resulted in me giving a huge WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

There is your wife pleasing you in all ways possible and you can still say that you want to have other side dishes to go with the main one. I admit, it'll be more enjoyable but that can only apply to what's happening on the DINING TABLE not on the bleeding bed!

I have this friend - she would dress up very nicely even when she's at home. I happen to come by her house the other day and thought I was interupting her plans in going someplace else since she's all made up. But the reason for her apparent attire was simply because her husband was home. She even whispered, "Jadi abang Fendi tak cari perempuan lain...hehe."

I was speechless.

They were already married for more than a decade and that fear of losing her husband to a stray cat outside still lingers. I really can't comprehend the fact why we women are just so vulnerable to our husbands' tendency to conduct adultery. From what I see in my perspective, and maybe, just maybe, narrow-visioned point of view, marriage has somewhat turned into an abyss of slavery. Slavery to pleasing the husband and nothing else. So from the moment we're married, our life goals are only limited to making that dick happy and satisfied.

In that case, marriage will never be, forever more, be in my life's agenda. I have so much more that I planned out for myself and being a prisoner succeptible to a husband isn't in any of my plans at all.

I'm just agitated by the fact that men these days just tend to abuse that authority they have over women. I'm aware that we're bounded by religion that, yes, Man, in fact do have all that power that was bestowed upon them such that we, women, as their wives should have that respect towards them. I can't deny that definitely. But it's just the men these days made me believe that they're just horny pricks who would use that as a cowardly reason to cover up their atrocious behaviour. And I hate the fact that women nowadays are becoming more and more vulnerable and what's more - having no respect for their own damned selves.

If I were to be married and I caught my husband cheating on me, I'll tell him straight in the face to fuck off. Scrap all that teary drama shit and blame myself for his inability to keep his dick in his pants. If I know I've done all there is to do as a dutiful wife, I'll skip all that reproach and self-blaming and tell him to divorce me right there and then. I know it's haram and all to demand a divorce from the husband but even after cheating, won't that request be justifiable?

Or I'll just take the easy way out and not even get myself involved in this vicious trap called Marriage - if that's what planned for me by Him.

This blog entry may or may not make any sense but I just need to get this pent up frustration about this issue. It's eating my insides out bleargh.

Labels: random shit, word diarrhoea

I think I may have found someone who talks as much nonsense as I do but makes more sense at the same time. I think I may have found someone who can argue with me about random things possible, made me speechless, and gave up arguing at the same time. I think I may have found someone who likes to question "Why?" like I do. I think I may have found someone who would just shoot the first things that came to his mind off his mouth without thinking - just like I do.

Unfunnily enough, I'm very ambivalent towards this discovery.

On an entirely random note, I think I inherited my powers of imagination from dad (: He's one awesome dad la.

Labels: random shit

I'm getting tired of this, really. This has been going on repeating itself like a vicious cycle for how many years now - 6? 7? 6 or 7 bloody years. Please, you've pushed yourself way too far this time. I've been nothing but patient and there's really got to be a stop to this.
I told you this time and time again and I'm sticking with my stand. Don't think I'm a pushover and that I'm easily swayed by your so-called portrayal of affection - you should know me better than that. But I thought wrong, obviously. You know nothing about me. And that makes you a pretty lousy friend, a far cry from what you're trying to prove yourself to me for almost a decade now.

If what I'm about to do now will put a stop to all these nonsense, then I will.
I can't be your friend anymore. Ever.

I'm sick and tired of being selfless, let me be selfish just this once.

Labels: random shit

Eeeeeeeeeeeee I really don't like this emotional state I'm in right now. Gah. Almost all of my posts for the past few weeks had been nothing but about the same damn thing I'm getting very meluat with myself. Macam nak sepak sepak macam nak tendang tendang muka aku ni dibuatnye.

Enough enough enough enough enough eh ohmygodddddddddddd eeeeeeeeeeeee Shaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ya'Allah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@#%T#$^&#@&^#@%Q#$%T#$^#$*%^$^&%$&JERHWRY$%&%^*&%$T#@YT%$@%#$YTQRWEH$Y#^UY#$^%&$I%JTHEGD#$H^&*O%&$I&UT$WEHBFHG%#$^TGEWH%YTE@T%Q$&^%(&*)O$$WU#%$U%IULKMEN%Y$I&&#^Y#%QU%^*&(&)(*^)(#$^Y#Y$#&^(*%JfhdheheyWY#$^#$T#$T#$^t34y57#$#^$&%^*^&(&)*&_)(*&)^&($%UsgsghwsgrwTY#&$%*^&(RY#%^I&$&J#%$U$#^%*^&(*O%&(*&)%&*U^TJRGF NDGHDF

Okay. That felt better (:
Hello, everyone. My name is Aishah. I'm probably back from my ultra pathetic state.

Right, Simpang Bedok tonight? Yay!

Labels: random shit

I fell sick on the 5th of March and still am violently sick today. That's a total of 12 full days of on-and-off fever plus blocked nose and tons of coughing plus phlegm including an asthma attack. And along the way, 3 people got sick as well, namely Xueling, Kel and Ezal. I am deeply sorry for causing you the trauma that I'm going through right now. But hey, they got sick later than me but they're already up and about while I'm still stuck with severe cough which caused laryngitis (again) and blocked nose! Bacin.

I'm bored of getting sick already because mommy and daddy didn't really let me stay out late (heck, they'd start calling me at 7 asking me to go homeeee) c0s of the cold at night. There was one time mom told me to leave my bike at Sengkang (that was where i was at last) that night c0s she's scared that I might get drowsy and that would deem as too dangerous a state for me to ride on. Ahwell. I'm touched by their concern, really, but it's getting a bit irksome la.

Being sick aside, 20th of March is a about a couple of days away and I'm...torn.
How does that even manage to link is beyond me. But, yes, it linked, secured by a golden gate bridge intact -_-

I think I've got enough evidence that ignoring people whom I chose to ignore isn't really a phase. And I guess it's not such a bad thing to be stuck with somehow. It's like, I know I've already got the people whom I need in my life - the rest are just redundant. Let's put it this way - when you haven't been talking to a friend for a very, very, very long time that they already seemed to be non-existent, and then one day he/she decided to call you up and SUDDENLY asks for a favour, it's downright nonsense to me. And it's not as if the favour is a small one. Also, if you happen to be one of those "friends" who'd only find me when you're in deep shit, otherwise I'm blatanly invisible to you, then you're one of those people whose calls/smses I'm gonna ignore. Simple.

OH AND I BADLY NEED TO SHOP. NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED. DESPERATELY NEEEEEEEEEEEDD TO SHOP, I'M SERIOUS.
I'm not exaggerating, hor. No, Syida, I won't be wasting money because this is really a NEED not a waaaaaant :( Nad nad nad shop with meeeee?

Labels: random shit

I bumped into the only guy-whom-I-had-the-only-real-crush-on-for-the-whole-two-years-in-TPJC in the train just nowwwwwwwwwwww and he noticedddddd meeeeeeeee! He even tapped on my hand lightly and gestured me to sit beside him aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! AND HE WAS IN HIS NS UNIFORM HOW HOT IS THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT you know how I have a fetish for guys in uniform hohohohohoho =DDD
But sadly, the conversation lasted for as long as the train took to depart from Pasir Ris and reach Tampines :(

But he noticeddddddddddd meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hehehehehehehehehehe

Okay, get a grip Shaa.

Labels: random shit

Saying out things that you keep way deep inside your heart may or may not be the solution to whatever problems you're facing. Sometimes it could even make everything a whole lot worse.

This time, I really couldn't tell if I was dreaming or awake. And they say that dreams were meant for sleeping? Maybe not for me anymore, cos, well, I barely sleep anymore and yet, apparently, I was still dreaming.

In the longest time till today, I let my emotions get the best of me. And honestly, the only person whom I can count on in this family is dad. The others can just go away for all I care.

Please, please, please let whatever I'm going through right now be nothing but a mere phase that will pass on soon. I do not like this vulnerable feeling that's enveloping me and making me feel so weak, I crumble at everything. I'm not used to being this weak.

On an entirely different note altogether, I died when I received this...text message from someone whom I thought was dead, asking me to be his date for Valentines. For the record, I do NOT celebrate Valentine's Day, what more with someone whom I presumed dead?

Labels: random shit