I found all my old diaries stashed in a box hidden all the way behind in my cupboard this morning while cleaning it up. Surprise, surprise, my cupboard stores a lot of surprises. I wonder if there's a whole new different world hidden behind if I were to search deep enough. Inside that box where all the old diaries were hidden, there were a few pictures too. Maybe a little bit more than a few pictures. Maybe, a bundle of pictures. Pictures of...you.

As cliche as this sounds, I remembered everything like as though it happened yesterday. Well, maybe not everything. Like I said, my brain capacity to remember things are becoming dysfunctional so the details were becoming a bit blur. But I just remembered it being this time of the year, during the first week of Ramadhan.

You were there in the train, alone and minding your own business (you always like to say this, i remember) as usual. You told me you thought you might have seen someone familiar but wasn't too sure. The person sitting next to you got up and I sat down, right next to you without even realising it because you looked so different that I didn't know it was you. You started a conversation and I seriously thought you were some mad boy who had nothing better to do than to strike up a conversation with random people you met on the train. But as you began talking, I started to recognise that twinkle in the eye whenever you talked. I can't tell by your voice because, well, back then when I left, your voice was still high-pitched and now it was this smooth, deep voice.
It was a quite a long ride from Pasir Ris to Outram Park but that short forty-minute ride simply isn't enough to make up for three years of so-called separation. Back then, it was such a big deal for thirteen-year-olds to exchange numbers right after the first "meeting". But for us, it was a big deal for an entirely different matter.

If I had known that meeting you meant to see you go, I'd have ignored your attempt to start a conversation with me.

Today would be the sixth year since it all began.
And in a few months time, it would have been seven long years without you.

If you were still around, you'd be in NS together with Kel and have the time of your lives.
If you were still around, maybe Kel wouldn't be as damaged as he is right now. Haha.
If you were still around, you'd be kissing your teenage years goodbye in about five months time and make a big deal out of it.
If you were still around, you'd be the first one I'd call when I can't get to sleep at nights like this.
If you were still around, you'd probably be asking me to hold on the phone for a minute while you try to wake yourself up so that you won't be blabbering nonsense to me.
If you were still around, you'd be falling back to sleep after five minutes.
If you were still around, you'd be the one prancing about singing Hari Raya songs one week to that happy day.
If you were still around, you'd insist that I salam you when we went visiting just because you're older by 11 months, and then slap your forehead after realising that we're not married so cannot salam.
If you were still around, you'd still be the one that I want to share my life with.

But the thing is, you're not.

Sometimes I'd still wish that I would bump into you in the train whenever I board it. My eyes would subconsciously roam about looking for you and anticipate you to just walk in each time the train stops at Simei. Train rides were haunting but.

For a fleeting moment tonight when I closed my eyes momentarily, I thought I saw you.
But that's just it. It was just a fleeting moment.

Khairul Fadly, I miss you.
More than ever.




On an entirely different note altogether, Ramadhan has been great so far. Alhamdullilah :)

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