I've started going for ngaji again for the past month or so and I felt quite...liberated. It's like when I ngaji, everything else seemed to be at ease, nothing bothered me at all. That's a feeling I don't get to experience on any other day of the week except for Thursday. I find myself looking forward to wearing the tudung, too, and it felt so...comfortable.

Maybe it's high time that I don the tudung? Ahwell, whatever it is, I know Allah is there to guide me (:

Labels: different.

I turned to a packet of Marlboro Reds whenever whatever bit of limit that I have for everything starts to dwindle. Okay, make that two packets of Marlboro's. The third packet that I bought for the day, I managed to control myself and gave it to Qhai even thought I did nip a few sticks more. So, within two days, I finished two and a quarter boxes of ciggs, it's not a wonder that I can't find my voice in class today. My students gained an enrichment class on handsigns. I is such a great teacher.

At times like these, once again, the people whom you least expect to bare your heart out to, are always there. Qhairil and Dila were more than just my lifesavers - they saved my sanity too. I had half the mind to purposely ram my bike to a concrete wall or something, at least that wouldn't make it look like as though I've committed suicide. It's just an accidental accident that turned fatal. Nothing much to make out of it, no?

Aaaaaah I'd better put an abrup halt to all these nonsense. Enough is enough.

Labels: different., rambles

Right now, I want you out of my life. For good. You can choose to walk away quietly or I can chase you out of it. Either way, as long as you're out, it doesn't matter how you got out. But just make sure that you clear all of your footprints that you left behind and make sure that you leave nothing that would remind me of your existance in my life.
I'm emotionally drained out and I'm tired of being tired all the time. So please do yourself a favour and stop sinning by menyakitkan hati orang, and please redeem yourself of your sins by doing me a favour and not fuck around with my mind anymore. Enough is enough and you've exceeded way beyond enough. I've been patient with you since day one of your nonsense but please, know your limits before I drill the meaning of limits into your thick skull.

You apologized, apology accepted. You apologized and that just marks the end of everything. You apologized, and I found my closure. You apologized, and that's it. That is it. The story ends there and I'm burning the book away.

You apologized...

But it's too late to apologize.

Just, please...
Get. Out. Of. My. Life.

Today is by far, the worst day of Ramadhan. Oh God, please help me through this.

Labels: different.

I found all my old diaries stashed in a box hidden all the way behind in my cupboard this morning while cleaning it up. Surprise, surprise, my cupboard stores a lot of surprises. I wonder if there's a whole new different world hidden behind if I were to search deep enough. Inside that box where all the old diaries were hidden, there were a few pictures too. Maybe a little bit more than a few pictures. Maybe, a bundle of pictures. Pictures of...you.

As cliche as this sounds, I remembered everything like as though it happened yesterday. Well, maybe not everything. Like I said, my brain capacity to remember things are becoming dysfunctional so the details were becoming a bit blur. But I just remembered it being this time of the year, during the first week of Ramadhan.

You were there in the train, alone and minding your own business (you always like to say this, i remember) as usual. You told me you thought you might have seen someone familiar but wasn't too sure. The person sitting next to you got up and I sat down, right next to you without even realising it because you looked so different that I didn't know it was you. You started a conversation and I seriously thought you were some mad boy who had nothing better to do than to strike up a conversation with random people you met on the train. But as you began talking, I started to recognise that twinkle in the eye whenever you talked. I can't tell by your voice because, well, back then when I left, your voice was still high-pitched and now it was this smooth, deep voice.
It was a quite a long ride from Pasir Ris to Outram Park but that short forty-minute ride simply isn't enough to make up for three years of so-called separation. Back then, it was such a big deal for thirteen-year-olds to exchange numbers right after the first "meeting". But for us, it was a big deal for an entirely different matter.

If I had known that meeting you meant to see you go, I'd have ignored your attempt to start a conversation with me.

Today would be the sixth year since it all began.
And in a few months time, it would have been seven long years without you.

If you were still around, you'd be in NS together with Kel and have the time of your lives.
If you were still around, maybe Kel wouldn't be as damaged as he is right now. Haha.
If you were still around, you'd be kissing your teenage years goodbye in about five months time and make a big deal out of it.
If you were still around, you'd be the first one I'd call when I can't get to sleep at nights like this.
If you were still around, you'd probably be asking me to hold on the phone for a minute while you try to wake yourself up so that you won't be blabbering nonsense to me.
If you were still around, you'd be falling back to sleep after five minutes.
If you were still around, you'd be the one prancing about singing Hari Raya songs one week to that happy day.
If you were still around, you'd insist that I salam you when we went visiting just because you're older by 11 months, and then slap your forehead after realising that we're not married so cannot salam.
If you were still around, you'd still be the one that I want to share my life with.

But the thing is, you're not.

Sometimes I'd still wish that I would bump into you in the train whenever I board it. My eyes would subconsciously roam about looking for you and anticipate you to just walk in each time the train stops at Simei. Train rides were haunting but.

For a fleeting moment tonight when I closed my eyes momentarily, I thought I saw you.
But that's just it. It was just a fleeting moment.

Khairul Fadly, I miss you.
More than ever.




On an entirely different note altogether, Ramadhan has been great so far. Alhamdullilah :)

Labels: different.

See, another solid proof that I'm one heck of an indecisive girl. Heh.
The skin that I designed for this blog last night was pretty loooouuud and irritatingly colourful. I know, I know, I said that being colourful is good and all but I just wasn't that satisfied with the design that I came up with last night =\ Just..isn't good enough? Prolly because it's kinda made on impulse when the inspiration and my muse for designing just isn't there yet. Haha, yeah, a bit nonsensical but that's pretty much how I work =)

Labels: different.