I made kakak cry last night, and almost ruined an almost perfect day we spent together.
I made kakak cry, by telling her what a loser her boyfriend is. At least, that's how she interpreted. And maybe that's how I formed my sentences to make it sound like as though I was telling her what a loser her boyfriend is. Although she's the elder sister, I've always felt the need to protect her. Protect her from what?

Everything.

It has been that way since we were young. I can't remember clearly but from what mom told me, dad asked me to sleep on the bed which was closer to the window so that I could protect kakak. Whatever that means, I couldn't really decipher the meaning behind that but I figured that since I'm the bigger (read: fatter) one although I'm younger, I was supposed to do the protecting. Maybe that idea stuck on me till now.

Bottomline is, I don't want to see kakak get hurt the way I'd gotten hurt. At least one of us is more than enough. I don't know why I'm so adamant on the fact that this guy would turn out to be the exact replica of Kai, and I sure as hell don't want the same thing to happen to kakak.
She was hurt, of course, saying that I'm not giving her the support that I should be giving as her little sister.

But how on earth does she expect me to do just that when she comes home almost every week, crying her heart out, complaining what a complete jackass he had been to her? How does she expect me to see the good in him when all I see when I do actually get to meet him in the first place, is just this stuck-up idiot who thinks the world revolves around him? How does she expect me to see what a trustworthy person he is when all he does is to lie to kakak time and time again? How does she expect me to see what an amazing guy he is when he blatantly blow puffs of smoke directly into my sister's face?! Dammit la even our FATHER has the decency to take his smoke somewhere else and not be near his family, what right does he fucking have to do that?
And I know that kakak's always been doing the spending while he just enjoy the benefit of being spent on.

All of this, sounds all too familiar, doesn't it?

I'm not the kind of person who would warmly welcome someone into my family without seeing him/her proving himself. I'm exactly like dad. It's not that we're judgemental. It's just that, somehow or rather, in a convincing yet unfathomable kind of way, we tend to see through people. And the dead giveaway would be how he/she acts around my family members. You can just sense whether or not it's sincere or fake. Whether it is forced or effortless.

For this guy...you should be getting my drift by now.

It's not just my family members that I'm protective of - it's my friends too. But what are the possibilities of your friends or family members to actually listen to you, right? Probability is, close to none. Take kakak for example. I was merely pointing out a few out of the 98357984523984619465279563918471 evidences to prove that he's not worthy of her, and she already bawled her eyes out. I know I might have sounded a tad too harsh and also biased but, enough is enough, you know? I've had enough of her crying herself to sleep every night. I've had enough of putting up with her fights she had with him over the phone.

Sigh.

Please la eh korang...if ever one day I were to disapprove of your significant others under solid and rational circumstances, please don't take my words to heart but do think about it. You know I love all of you so much that it would tear me apart to see any one of you get hurt. I know I may not always be right but at least stop and ponder about how many times he'd promise he'd change but never got round to doing it. Stop and wonder where did all the 10000 promises he did when he wants to "be with you". Stop and count how many times did he actually make you smile, and how many times more did he make you cry. My one and only intention is not wanting any of you, get hurt.

Labels: wishful thought, word diarrhoea