Hahahahahahahahahahaha okay bedek. Sumpah bedek. Aku sumpah mintak kene sepak.

I know for a fact that if I were to reread this post a month from now, I'd be kicking myself in the head with a steel-toed shoe. Heck, I think if I were to read this 24 hours from now, my face would be burning in shame for even harbouring the thought. But then again, I need to get it out of my system. Fast. So no matter what hazardous thing (and most prolly suicidal) I would inflict upon myself later.......I'll just worry about that later when it comes.

Going to the beach sitting at our usual spot while reading the diary which I especially kept just for about him was really asking for it. And it doesn't help that everything else that was there just now reminded me of us. It got me thinking that we were actually great together. Fights and screaming matches and all. I realised then, that was what kept us going -- until it was too much to bear. Most of the unbearable parts coming from yours truly. No, this isn't going to be about blaming who and how the relationship ended, it's just about...being vindicated. Once and for all, perhaps.
It's going to be a year soon though it felt like it just happened weeks ago. It's going to be a year soon and even with all those guys whom I dated within that span of one year, still didn't help it getting over us totally. Yes, it's us whom I'm not over about. Him, however, I'm doing a great progress and it's almost complete. I know you guys are getting bored to tears reading this episode over and over again but until I'm really sure where I'm standing at, I don't think I'll ever be relieved of anything just yet. I'm sorry you guys had to witness this...progression of me trying to convince myself out of living in denial.

Sigh.
It's not everyday that we can find someone who's perfect for you, right? And it's not such an easy feat for me to even be convinced that I actually found someone perfect judging from what a bitch of an indecisive person I can be. Eventually, eventually, eventually - this event is taking quite sometime to come and surprisingly, I'm in no rush for it to finally come.

I bumped into him the other day and there wasn't any rush of emotions that I anticipated coming. We had a pleasant chat, even. We'd gone from being madly in love with each other to attempting to be normal friends to being hostile and barbaric and now, finally, to being...civilised with one another. And I couldn't ask for more because, it takes a lot for the both of us to swallow whatever pride and (bruised) ego that we have to just...be nice. There wasn't a hint of spite or sarcasm throughout that whole 15minutes of us talking. That was quite an achievement, really. Ahwell. I guess there really is some form of humanity left in me after all, you know, being able to forgive and forget sincerely coming straight from the heart. Heh. Mind you, I was totally uncapable of forgiving and forgetting in the past. Nad should know what I'm talking about hoho.

Sigh. I'm only human, aren't I? Is it normally this hard to get over a relationship of three long years during the most important events of your life? If it is going to be this hard all the time then I'm never going into another again. If it's going to end all the time after so long, then what's the bloody point, right? I don't have feelings for him anymore, at least not strong ones. It's just the idea of us being so great together makes me so wistful up to the point of returning to where we used to be. We didn't belong there but would a short visit hurt? Turning back time would never happen so I won't even start wishing for it.

Maybe what Hanan predicted may come true. Like, maybe somewhere in the not too distant future, he and I will get back together somehow. And then he'd hurt me in the worst way possible ever and then finally I'd be able to get over him because getting hurt twice by the same person is definitely so much a person could bear. In the end, I'd end up with Hichael. Hahahaha, okay not Hichael definitely - maybe some random guy who, with a miracle sent from Him, can make me fall in love with him (which is highly unlikely).
So there.

But in the meantime, let me just enjoy this civilised state we've finally attained for a little while more. Knowing Kai...heh. I'll just leave it at that...

Labels: Kai, wishful thought